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Addiction stories are written by former addicts.

 

Addiction Stories: Cocaine and Me

addiction storiesWhen I met that white powder, I thought, you snort that up your nose and it makes you feel good. That sounds really stupid. When the brick came out and we were breaking it off on a 3ft x 3ft mirror on the coffee table, I was saying to myself Oh My God! If the cops come, we are all going to jail for a long time. I was raised by a mother that would not believe I was even sitting on that couch. I knew better but I said, “Just go for it tonight. You aren’t going home anyway, no one will ever know.” So that started my two year journey of 8-balls every weekend and one gram a day.

My husband at the time started to sell it at the bars so it was always around. It was so easy to get caught up fast. I had moved out of my mom’s house at the age of 19 and bought a house with Mark. I had a very good job at the Kroger Co. so I really didn’t party at the beginning of this journey every day. It took about a year of drinking and drugging that family members saw a problem coming quick, so I started to straighten up. I did start the 12 step program at the age of 21 and I said to myself there is no way I am never going to drink again. I am only 21 and I am not as bad as these people. Their stories were crazy. I was no way ever going to be like that and look what I am doing 24 yrs. later, writing to you so you don’t waste your life like I did. So in November of 1987 I got pregnant with my first daughter. I didn’t know I was pregnant and the holidays were always a party in both Mark and my families. I partied hard all through the holidays. Lots of white powder and booze and I was a pretty hard core pot smoker at that time. Bongs every morning getting ready for work but that is another story.

I got through Thanksgiving and Christmas with no problem but when New Year’s Eve rolled around, I was so sick and puking my guts out before my guest arrived. Remember, I always had parties for every holiday? I pulled myself together and the 3ft x 3ft mirror was laying on my waterbed so it wasn’t out in plain sight in my living room for all the family to see. I thought if I did some of my white powder friend it would make me feel so much better, that was true so I stayed up all night just partying with people in and out of the bedroom and we just drank and played cards. I was up for two days and when I came down, I really needed to find out if I was pregnant. So I went to the doctor’s office and yes I was 6-8 weeks pregnant. I started to do the right thing. The white powder went away and I worked my shifts. Didn’t go to the bar at lunch and during breaks because yes I had that screwed up brain that if I didn’t do those drugs I could at least smoke a couple of joints a week and I would be alright.

To get to the point of cocaine having control, I got married and went on my honeymoon with a half brick this time driving to Florida and doing it all week down there. I thought I deserved it. Why can everybody else have a goodtime and I can’t? I was always a very jealous junkie, how dare you do it and I can’t? So it was the drought of the Summer of 1988. I did smoke weed until I had to leave work at 8 months pregnant and my brain went into overload. I am going to have a baby so I stopped everything cold turkey and worried every night that something would be wrong with my baby. We didn’t know what sex the baby was because Mark did not want to know. I prayed it was a beautiful baby girl and I was correct on, August 13th, 1988, I had my 6lb 10oz. baby girl Alyssa Marie. She was so little and she had rosebud lips. She was the prettiest baby I had ever seen. I cried all night and was so happy that my white powder craziness did not affect her at all. God was in my corner. Just because I was a Lucky Lady, please do not think you can go 8 months of your pregnancy and be totally out of your mind on that white powder that took over my first 2 years out on my own with the love of my life at that time. We both regret a lot in our lives but we are so grateful for our now 23-year-old babygirl. I LOVE YOU ALYSSA!!!

Please take it from me, you don’t want to be a subject of the book Cocaine and Me.

Addiction Stories: Heroin

Well let me tell you, you don’t have to do heroin to feel like you have done it for years. When you lived a life like I did with a heroin addict for a boyfriend and me staying clean and sober for the last 10 years, it doesn’t work. I was going on with my life and trying to become a model citizen not knowing in the back of my brain I was still addicted to the chaos of drugs. When I had a very premature daughter because of drugs, I remember the day my water broke and it was on a Wednesday night. Paul was in detox in Detroit in the Cass Cordor. Great place to detox for a heroin addict. He was not getting out until Sunday morning so we had just smoked all weekend. That ugly guy named Mr. Crack, so I knew it takes 72 hours to get out of my system and I was scared to go to the hospital that Wednesday night. I didn’t do anything for 4 days. Just stayed home. I got my 10 year old daughter on Friday night for the weekend and told no one I was having contractions. On Saturday night, I could not sleep. I was in so much pain my daughter found me in my hallway in the apartment and called my mother and her dad (my ex-husband). By this time it was Sunday morning at 6am. I knew Paul was getting out of detox so I told my daughter if he called to tell him I was at the hospital.

Well he called while I was still at home counting contractions with my ex-husband. So my ex-husband told him to meet us at the hospital that I would be there soon. That day was a whirlwind I had a 1lb.5oz. baby girl at 24 weeks pregnant 3 hours later after a C-section to take her right out of my womb that was totally infected by waiting for a heroin to detox in the Cass Corridor. I was so caught up in his heroin addiction I didn’t even care about me; mind you I didn’t get totally clean until my daughter was 3 years old. She did change my thinking for the 6 months she was in the hospital. I didn’t pick up at all and I helped her fight for her life. Meanwhile, her heroin-addicted dad went to jail for only 12 days because the Warren judge fell for his story about his daughter and felt sorry for him and let him out on probation. That is why he was in there for the violation of probation. Always a lucky man. Something about everyone felt sorry for him including me.

Needless to say, I stayed with him and tried to raise our daughter together. The craziness is I just after 13 years told him I am done. I was so addicted to the chaos of the drug scene, dysfunction whatever you want to call it. I had been clean and sober and I let him keep me a prisoner in my own life. Jails rehabs and telling his daughter he was out of town working always covering for him. I finally ran the tape I should of being running 10 years ago. He knows the program. No one can teach him anything he doesn’t already know. So I came to the conclusion that he will run his own program and I need to stay clean off the addiction of someone I loved. I will always be married to heroin instead of me. So if you know anyone or yourself being co-dependent on your other half because you used to get high with them, I am a proven fact it will not work. Too much damage and destruction in our life together. As of today he is still using heroin.

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